Google (G) is my most trusted friend. There, I’ve said it. If I don’t know something, I ask and she gives me the answer (G is my girl). G is helping me to be a better global citizen, and smarter person (?) one search at a time.
Here is a snapshot of my day:
- I wake up – much earlier than I fantasise about unfortunately (I have kids so I don’t need G to help there).
- I feel tired. A quick check-in with G assures me I won’t die from sleep deprivation, I’d need far less sleep than I’m currently getting. How is that even possible I think?
- I quickly ponder if the boys got enough sleep. G tells me they sleep around average for kids of their age (groan).
- I make myself a coffee. G tells me I shouldn’t drink too much but around 400ml is “safe” for an adult each day. G is quick to remind me it’s not safe for children. I’m not an idiot G, come on.
- The boys are up and ravenous, like a pack of hungry wolves they bae for their breakfast. G, is what I feed my kids for breakfast ok? Apparently Jam isn’t the best option. Worse before bed due to the amount of sugar that will potentially keep them awake. Good to know. Let’s go with Banana on toast, wholemeal of course.
- Right, one of the most asked questions is about to be asked again this morning. G, how much TV is too much for my kids? There are pages and pages of information saying I should limit it or not let them watch at all, hippies! I rephrase my question. G, am I a bad parent for letting my children watch TV? Oh god… on this occasion I ignore G and put the TV on. Just for a wee bit.
- I used to look outside or listen to the radio weather forecast before getting dressed. Now G directs me to information that tells me how many layers I should wear today. I add a layer for the boys. Sorted.
- As the morning progresses G helps me find things to entertain the kids with and helps me find cheap things to buy and nice food to eat.
- This is when things get really fun. A great friend of mine texts. She must know how close my relationship is with G, she often asks outlandish questions of me, maybe I’m her G I think. Her text reads (I shit you not) “what the actual f. I have a hole in my vagina”. I first checked it’s not the one the babies come out of, it’s not. I ask G “I have an extra hole in my vagina”. Nooooo! Not Google Image search. Back out! Back out! After a fashion of many texts back and forth it turns out it was a false alarm, don’t ask. Just another day at the office for me.
- Speaking of the office. If I’m in the office I’m a better employee thanks to G. We work together to get the job done. I keep the entire pay cheque though.
- If I’m driving anywhere G accompanies me on the trip. I tell her where we’re off to. She is so clever, she knows the fastest route and even tells me what time we will arrive at our destination (I often drive slower just to prove her wrong). I’m one of those mean friends who gently poke fun at their friends accents. G is always mispronouncing street names. Oh how we laugh, well actually it’s just me laughing, she doesn’t. The joke was on me today though. I had forgotten to tell her I was nipping into the supermarket and while I walked down aisle three she said, in her loudest voice, “in 200 metres turn left on to Madras St”. Embarrassing.
- It’s almost time for bed. I’m yawning away. My partner says we should probably turn in for the night, it’s 9.30pm after all. Time for two more questions for G for the day.
- What’s the weather going to do tomorrow G? She probably thinks I’m a bit dim at this point as she knows I’ll forget and ask again in the morning.
- Very last question is one many people ask G. How often on average do couples have sex. Not Honeymooners G, that gave me a fright! She tells me it’s twice a week. A quick mental check and I realise it’s been around five days. Guess I’m not going straight to sleep tonight. Sigh.